Today's humor

[DYohn]

A highway patrolman comes across a car going 10 miles an hour on the freeway. He pulls it over.

It's being driven by a little blue haired lady. The cop says to her, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you can't drive 10 miles per hour on the freeway."

"Officer, " says the woman, "look at that sign right there. It clearly says ten."

"Ma'am, that is the highway sign. It means this is Interstate Ten. The speed limit is a different kind of sign."

"Oh!" says the woman. "Thank you so much for clearing that up!"

The cop looks into the car and sees an old man, probably her husband, in the passenger seat, pale and drooling, with a death grip on the seat. "Is your husband OK, ma'am? Do you need me to call an ambulance?"

"No he's OK," she says, "we just got off what I now know is highway 101."

[agehring]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

[jlafrenz]

Jan 4, 2010 13:18:17 GMT -5 topcat said:

Did you hear about the two gay fuses that changed polarity and blew each other?

LOL!! ;D

[Matt193]

Thanks guys. Those really made my day!

[jmilton]

I thought this amusing, if you know who this gentleman is...

[Animo]

Senior Citizen Stimulus Payment



Just in Case You are a Senior and Get a Check for $250...By end of this year, we seniors will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala .
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.


Or, you can keep the money in America by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American- owned businesses still operating in the US.


Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.

[canadianbacon]

Jan 4, 2010 13:28:03 GMT -5 agehring said:

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

Great... boss is gonna kill me. Spat coffee on my keyboard.

[Animo]

Feb 5, 2010 10:15:32 GMT -5 canadianbacon said:

Jan 4, 2010 13:28:03 GMT -5 agehring said:

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

Great... boss is gonna kill me. Spat coffee on my keyboard.

If you really wanna lose it, check out my post here....
emotivalounge.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=updates&thread=9185&page=1#138056

[DYohn]

When Joey was a kid he used to pray for a new bicycle. It never came. Then one day Joey complained to his priest, and he told Joey that god doesn't work that way, and he explained things to him. So the next day Joey stole a bicycle, and prayed for forgiveness.

[virtualpj]

On the funny front, please excuse the shameless self-promotion: www.fatkidatcamp.com

[LCSeminole]

This is my new car alarm system that I installed yesterday!!!

[NorthStar]

I'm dying of living?

[SticknStones]

Okay my dumb blond joke asking the question??

Where are my Fries???

[NorthStar]

Feb 7, 2010 22:08:28 GMT -5 SticknStones said:

Okay my dumb blond joke asking the question??

Where are my Fries???

Lol. ...I like it a lot, cool. Good one sticknstones.

[Matt193]

Chuckienut, this is for you: www.instantrimshot.com/

[2infinity]

Feb 7, 2010 22:08:28 GMT -5 SticknStones said:

Okay my dumb blond joke asking the question??

Where are my Fries???

Plenty of shakes to go with those fries

[NorthStar]

Today I just lost another tooth! ...And I ain't kidding either, it HURTS like HELL.

[NorthStar]

Is there another thread called "Today's Pain"?

[roadrunner]

Q: Do you know why blondes have their socks monogrammed with the letters TGIF?

A: To remind them that "Toes Go In First".

[NorthStar]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom".
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells great.