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Post by PaulBe on Nov 18, 2024 10:39:11 GMT -5
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klinemj
Emo VIPs 
Official Emofest Scribe
Posts: 15,088
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Post by klinemj on Nov 18, 2024 15:38:55 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar - very distraught. The bartender asks "what's wrong?"
They guy says "I have 2 horses, and I can't tell them apart. I don't want to ride one too much and the other too little. Give me a drink!"
The bartender gives him a drink and says "why not just cut one's tail off, then ride them with and without tails every other day?"
He says "great idea!" and runs out after having his drink.
A couple months later, he goes back to the bar - even more distraught.
The bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The guy says "the tail grew back, and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says "OK, so - shave one's mane off...maybe it won't grow back"
The guy says "great idea!" and runs out after having his drink.
A month later, he returns...even more upset.
The bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The guy says "the main grew back, and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says "OK...so measure them both. Surely one is taller than the other."
The next day, the guy runs back into the bar very excited!
The bartender asks "So - why so excited?"
They guy says..."You were right! The black one is 2 inches taller than the white one!"
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Post by cwmcobra on Nov 19, 2024 11:24:28 GMT -5
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Post by gus4emo on Nov 20, 2024 17:55:56 GMT -5
I was talking to a guy, and all of the sudden he said "I have a private part"....
I replied...."Let's keep it that way"....
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klinemj
Emo VIPs
Official Emofest Scribe
Posts: 15,088
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Post by klinemj on Nov 21, 2024 7:28:29 GMT -5
Dave was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dave decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Dave. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dave. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dave thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dave. Although he survived, it took several months before Dave fully recovered.
Now Dave was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
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Post by PaulBe on Nov 21, 2024 10:46:46 GMT -5
Fickle ducks...
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klinemj
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Official Emofest Scribe
Posts: 15,088
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Post by klinemj on Nov 21, 2024 14:19:37 GMT -5
A 45 year old lawyer (Joe) dies at age 45. Suddenly, he's at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Welcome Joe - we've been expecting you!" Joe asks "what you do mean? I'm only 45...why did I die so young?" St. Peter says "oh no, you've 82" Joe says "No! I'm 45! I can show you my birth certificate" St. Peter says "Let me go look into this..." and leaves for a few minutes. He comes back and says - "yes, according to our records of your billable hours to clients, you are at least 82 years old"  |
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KeithL
Administrator 
Posts: 10,261
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Post by KeithL on Nov 21, 2024 14:32:45 GMT -5
Hmmmm... Things are getting pretty sloppy... When even a crooked lawyer who overbills his clients can still get into heaven...  A 45 year old lawyer (Joe) dies at age 45. Suddenly, he's at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Welcome Joe - we've been expecting you!" Joe asks "what you do mean? I'm only 45...why did I die so young?" St. Peter says "oh no, you've 82" Joe says "No! I'm 45! I can show you my birth certificate" St. Peter says "Let me go look into this..." and leaves for a few minutes. He comes back and says - "yes, according to our records of your billable hours to clients, you are at least 82 years old" |
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klinemj
Emo VIPs
Official Emofest Scribe
Posts: 15,088
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Post by klinemj on Nov 21, 2024 14:51:55 GMT -5
Hmmmm... Things are getting pretty sloppy... When even a crooked lawyer who overbills his clients can still get into heaven... A 45 year old lawyer (Joe) dies at age 45. Suddenly, he's at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says "Welcome Joe - we've been expecting you!" Joe asks "what you do mean? I'm only 45...why did I die so young?" St. Peter says "oh no, you've 82" Joe says "No! I'm 45! I can show you my birth certificate" St. Peter says "Let me go look into this..." and leaves for a few minutes. He comes back and says - "yes, according to our records of your billable hours to clients, you are at least 82 years old" This might have been the meeting in which he learned he was "going south". LOL! Mark |
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