Today's humor

[gus4emo]

Why did the farmer bury his money??

He wanted to have rich soil.....

[vcautokid]

[vcautokid]

[vcautokid]

[DYohn]

[marcl]

Sept 26, 2024 14:25:10 GMT -5 DYohn said:

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Is that down the road from Flustercluck?

[klinemj]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

[vcautokid]

[vcautokid]

Okay the slide was free. What the actual??!!

[DYohn]

A man was sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a large, troublemaking biker sits next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The troublemakers says, “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?”
The man suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,” the troublemaker biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I hate seeing a grown man cry.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” the man said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. I go to the parking lot to go home and my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bites me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to my life. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule of poison into my drink. As I sit here watching the poison dissolve, you show up and drink my entire drink!"
Then he looks at the troublemaker and said, "Enough about me, how’s your day going?”

[geebo]

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

[DYohn]

Oct 4, 2024 14:18:08 GMT -5 geebo said:

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

So a rabbi, a priest and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[gus4emo]

Why did the band get a turkey??

Because the turkey has the drumsticks....

[DYohn]

Scene: a bar in Bangor, Maine. At one end sits a big-city Midwestern hick, and a local. The hick tells the barkeep that he’d like to try fresh oysters for the first time in his life. He pronounces them “eye-sters.” The bartender opens six of them, puts them on ice, and slides them over, with cocktail sauce and a slice of lem. The hick looks at them warily, gulps, and sloshes one down, right from the shell.
The local guy gives the ‘tender a wink, and says to the hick, with a horrified expression, “My GOD, man, you didn’t eat that thing whole, did ya?”
“Sure did,” says the hick.
“MAN, DID YOU BITE INTO IT FIRST?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Good God, that thing is still alive! It’ll chew through your innards and bust ‘em open real good, inside you!”
“Omigod, what can I do?”
The local guy reaches for a pint bottle of hot sauce.
“If you have any chance of killing it, you have to chug this down in two minutes…”

[vcautokid]

Uhhhh.

[PaulBe]

How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery.

[PaulBe]

Russia made a propaganda video about a Russian couple moving to the US.
x.com/iamyesyouareno/status/1842973969986777224

[DYohn]

I asked my Dad what "LGBTQ" meant, but he couldn't give me a straight answer.

[DYohn]

A man calls his boss and says, "I can't come to work today, I feel pretty bad." The boss replies, "When I wake up feeling bad, I make love to my wife. It always makes me feel better. Try that." "OK," says the man. Three hours later the man calls back and says to his boss, "You were right, I feel much better now. And by the way you have a nice house."

[gus4emo]

The most common blood type for insects??

Bee positive....