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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 8:06:34 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Feb 24, 2018 10:44:51 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Feb 24, 2018 11:38:27 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 17:22:55 GMT -5
Oh David , now I know how my girlfriend got that hole in the back of her head.
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Post by DavidR on Feb 25, 2018 11:39:04 GMT -5
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Post by MusicHead on Feb 25, 2018 14:44:37 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Feb 25, 2018 21:18:40 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 7:02:55 GMT -5
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 7:42:43 GMT -5
A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, ”Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
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Post by mgbpuff on Feb 26, 2018 15:03:13 GMT -5
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Post by Boomzilla on Feb 26, 2018 16:39:39 GMT -5
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response Winston was also credited with this gem: A parliament member rubbed Churchill's head and commented "feels just like my wife's bottom!" Winston rubbed his own head and replied "you know, it DOES!" |
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Post by Boomzilla on Feb 26, 2018 16:44:48 GMT -5
And I'm also a fan of Dorothy Parker, whose quips are legendary:
"I sometimes have have a drink or two
or maybe three at the most
after two I'm under the table
after three, I'm under the host"
Dorothy on her honeymoon to her editor begging for new articles:
"I'm too f***ing busy, or vice versa"
When asked to define the word "horticulture," Dorothy replied:
"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
And many, many more...
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Post by DavidR on Feb 26, 2018 16:54:40 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Feb 27, 2018 17:55:10 GMT -5
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Post by 4thchoice on Feb 28, 2018 1:19:11 GMT -5
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t’ steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “O.K. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays,” smiles the old lady.
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Post by 4thchoice on Feb 28, 2018 1:19:51 GMT -5
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
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Post by 4thchoice on Feb 28, 2018 1:24:06 GMT -5
deleted as to "risque"
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Post by gus4emo on Feb 28, 2018 21:02:10 GMT -5
I once lived in a house so small that for the Sun to come in in the morning I had to get out, lol....
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Post by simpleman68 on Feb 28, 2018 23:19:14 GMT -5
I once lived in a house so small that for the Sun to come in in the morning I had to get out, lol.... That's nothing; where I grew up, the front and back door swung on the same hinge.  Scott |
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Post by novisnick on Feb 28, 2018 23:23:30 GMT -5
I once lived in a house so small that for the Sun to come in in the morning I had to get out, lol.... That's nothing; where I grew up, the front and back door swung on the same hinge. Scott Post of the night! 😁 |
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