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Post by mgbpuff on Aug 8, 2018 6:29:39 GMT -5
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Post by DavidR on Aug 8, 2018 9:20:14 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 8, 2018 13:46:05 GMT -5
Grandpa The Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney....
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
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Post by DavidR on Aug 8, 2018 17:42:37 GMT -5
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.
Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
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Post by DavidR on Aug 9, 2018 9:10:34 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 9, 2018 19:07:46 GMT -5
TO THE INVENTOR OF AUTO-CORRECT: DUCK YOU
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Post by novisnick on Aug 9, 2018 19:21:34 GMT -5
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Post by gus4emo on Aug 9, 2018 20:45:29 GMT -5
I let a friend borrow $500, who by the way is blind, when he left he said to me "I pay you back when I see you", I said sh**....lol...
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Post by novisnick on Aug 9, 2018 21:27:08 GMT -5
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Post by sahmen on Aug 9, 2018 23:01:40 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 10, 2018 8:55:39 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Aug 10, 2018 9:48:26 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 10, 2018 11:43:49 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Aug 10, 2018 16:29:03 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 10, 2018 19:41:54 GMT -5
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Post by novisnick on Aug 10, 2018 21:24:39 GMT -5
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Post by gus4emo on Aug 10, 2018 21:49:11 GMT -5
Heeyyyyyy, that was me....lol... |
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Post by 26gary26 on Aug 10, 2018 22:07:01 GMT -5
Heyyyy !!!!! Those are only cassettes. What about the 4 track & 8 track guys, we are still alive.
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Post by novisnick on Aug 10, 2018 22:15:08 GMT -5
Heyyyy !!!!! Those are only cassettes. What about the 4 track & 8 track guys, we are still alive. I still have every format but 4 track. 😋 |
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Post by 26gary26 on Aug 10, 2018 22:33:09 GMT -5
Heyyyy !!!!! Those are only cassettes. What about the 4 track & 8 track guys, we are still alive. I still have every format but 4 track. 😋 I still have the Sony TC-228 8 track recorder. I like to mess with younger people when they look at it trying to figure out what it is. |
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