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Post by sahmen on Aug 11, 2018 6:05:52 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 11, 2018 6:37:22 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Aug 12, 2018 2:44:39 GMT -5
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Post by sahmen on Aug 12, 2018 4:44:15 GMT -5
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Post by novisnick on Aug 12, 2018 7:06:52 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 12, 2018 9:04:41 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 12, 2018 9:18:02 GMT -5
A farmer is selling his hunting dog. Advertised as the best hunting dog ever.
A buyer comes over and the farmer gives a demonstration.
They take the dog to a wooded wet land, as they approach the water the farmer sends the
dog into the bush. A few minutes later the dog comes out and hits the ground 3 times with his paw.
The farmer looks at the fella and they walk into the bush, sure enough there are 3 ducks swimming in the pond.
The fella looks astonished. They walk a little farther and the farmer sends the dog into the bush again.
This time the dog is gone a little longer, but he returns and hits the ground with his paw 8 times. The farmer
and the fella walk into the bush, sure enough there are 8 ducks swimming in a pond.
"UNBELIEVABLE" the fella says, how much for the dog?....they strike a deal, and the dog goes home with
his new owner.
The next day the fella takes the dog hunting, he sends the dog into the bush. The dog is gone for quite a while, but
finally returns. To the horror of the new owner the dog runs around in circles, stops, starts humping his new
owners leg, stops, grabs a stick from the ground and shakes his head violently. The dog drops the stick and sits in front of the fella and wags his tail looking up for praise. The new owner is shocked..he sends the dog back into the bush one more time. He waits. Again, after some time the dog returns, runs around in circles, humps the fellas leg,
grabs a stick and shakes his head violently, then sits and looks up anticipating praise.
The fella is furious, he gathers the dog and heads for the farmers house. When they get there the fella demands his money back, saying he had been scammed. The farmer asks the fella what the dog did, the fella explains. Ran into the bush, returned, ran around in circles, humped his leg, then shook a stick!
The farmer smiled, looked at the fella and said " the dog is fine, you just dont understand. Hes trying to tell you
thats there more *bleep*en ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!!"
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Post by DavidR on Aug 12, 2018 9:59:04 GMT -5
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Post by novisnick on Aug 12, 2018 14:05:40 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 12, 2018 16:34:01 GMT -5
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor! The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. |
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Post by novisnick on Aug 12, 2018 22:28:24 GMT -5
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Post by chaosrv on Aug 13, 2018 7:35:51 GMT -5
My wife would certainly agree with this one! |
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Post by mauriceminor on Aug 13, 2018 8:01:33 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 13, 2018 9:25:23 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 13, 2018 15:21:45 GMT -5
 Some possible porn names you could use: Buck Naykid, Miles Long, Hugh Boles
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Post by DavidR on Aug 14, 2018 8:36:59 GMT -5
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Post by DavidR on Aug 14, 2018 18:47:03 GMT -5
Two Irishmen walk out of a pub...Hey!...it could happen!...
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Post by novisnick on Aug 14, 2018 18:50:07 GMT -5
Two Irishmen walk out of a pub...Hey!...it could happen!... Really, it could! Right after they finished the last 🍺 pint! LOL |
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Post by DavidR on Aug 14, 2018 20:30:08 GMT -5
The Stowaway
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a young handsome sailor stopped her and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with your life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the ship's captain hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."
"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Post by DavidR on Aug 15, 2018 9:12:49 GMT -5
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