Today's humor

[DavidR]

[DavidR]

[sahmen]

Fitness wars


          

[DavidR]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary, she said that she wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in under 3 seconds...

I bought her a new Bathroom Scale...

That's when the fight started...

[mgbpuff]

[mgbpuff]

[DavidR]

Aug 22, 2018 14:03:06 GMT -5 mgbpuff said:

what a dipstick

[DavidR]

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[DavidR]

[DavidR]

[DavidR]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "5hi7 dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[sahmen]

of dads and daughters


         

[novisnick]

[sahmen]

of sons and moms


 

[DavidR]

Guts or Balls

There "IS" a medical distinction between "gut or balls". We've all heard about people having guts or balls but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume, beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[sahmen]

The lie detector

[novisnick]

screen capture windows 7

[DavidR]

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[DavidR]

[509Paul]

youtu.be/RupUMJOEMO8