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Post by SticknStones on Mar 18, 2010 5:30:50 GMT -5
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Post by SticknStones on Mar 18, 2010 5:57:31 GMT -5
Not funny but pretty cool!  |
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hemster
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Particle Manufacturer
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Post by hemster on Mar 18, 2010 6:54:59 GMT -5
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
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hemster
Global Moderator
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Post by hemster on Mar 18, 2010 6:56:47 GMT -5
Business lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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hemster
Global Moderator
Particle Manufacturer
...still listening... still watching
Posts: 51,950
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Post by hemster on Mar 18, 2010 6:59:47 GMT -5
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2010 13:20:05 GMT -5
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
Well, I guess there's three reasons I need not apply.
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Post by roadrunner on Mar 18, 2010 13:20:49 GMT -5
Q: Do you know why blonds have all thier socks monogrammed with TGIF?
A: To remind them that Toes Go In First.
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Post by roadrunner on Mar 18, 2010 13:27:31 GMT -5
Q: Do you know why the little moron got a tattoo in the palm of his hand? A: He wanted to have a monogrammed handkerchief.  
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2010 13:30:13 GMT -5
Excuse me young man but I believe you told that TGIF joke on the bottom of page #1, reply #19 in this thread. Perhaps a bottle of this might be in order.  |
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Post by roadrunner on Mar 18, 2010 14:58:59 GMT -5
Excuse me young man but I believe you told that TGIF joke on the bottom of page #1, reply #19 in this thread. Perhaps a bottle of this might be in order. Thanks for the product heads-up. These days I find it hard to remember what I write for more than 10 minutes. ;D Some days it is so bad that I think I have already done some task when I have only thought about it. ;D Don't tell me that I am becoming as senile as a certain 247 year old nut that I know. ;D ;D By the way, how many of those "memory enhancers" do you recommend per day? How many times a day do you find that you need to take more of them? If you can't remember, that is ok -- I realize at your advanced age these things happen. What were we talking about? ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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NorthStar
Seeker Of Truth
"And it stoned me to my soul" - Van Morrison
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Post by NorthStar on Mar 18, 2010 18:16:42 GMT -5
Not funny but pretty cool! From Pink Floyd "The Wall", DVD Video. |
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klinemj
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Posts: 15,082
Member is Online
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Post by klinemj on Mar 18, 2010 18:40:02 GMT -5
Q: Do you know why blonds have all thier socks monogrammed with TGIF?
A: To remind them that Toes Go In First.
Man, I think I am having deja vu'. I better focus...
"and now, for something completely different..."
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Post by roadrunner on Mar 18, 2010 22:34:37 GMT -5
To Be 6 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you (tasteless)!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by UT-Driven on Mar 18, 2010 23:02:50 GMT -5
To Be 6 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you (tasteless)!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. ;D ;D ;D Haha, that is awesome. Doug |
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NorthStar
Seeker Of Truth
"And it stoned me to my soul" - Van Morrison
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Post by NorthStar on Mar 18, 2010 23:57:09 GMT -5
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. Well, I guess there's three reasons I need not apply. Chuck, I highly recommend you, and others too, to rent the Blu-ray of "Up In The Air" with George Clooney. * It will be a big eye opener. Me and the wife we simply love it. |
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Post by SticknStones on Mar 19, 2010 5:21:03 GMT -5
 Somehow I do not think that this is the end of the story! ;D |
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Post by Mike Ronesia on Mar 19, 2010 6:05:06 GMT -5
Somehow I do not think that this is the end of the story! ;D I don't have speakers on the computer but I think he's saying "hot, hot, hot". |
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Post by jmilton on Mar 19, 2010 7:35:00 GMT -5
"Bartender...another round for the boys!"
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Post by SticknStones on Mar 19, 2010 14:09:11 GMT -5
 Have a good weekend folks and I hope you don't need to be impaired to enjoy your significant other! |
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Animo
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Post by Animo on Mar 19, 2010 17:25:31 GMT -5
Be careful of the company you keep.  |
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